Bodies everywhere

As Halloween night approaches, students all over campus are quietly asking, “What are they going to do about the bodies this year?” It’s the elephant in the room and no one wants to openly talk about it. We all know the morning after Halloween the vampires leave their used up humans scattered all over the parking lot. Though, many have agreed, it’s still better than the old practice of stuffing the corpses in the in the bathrooms.

A member of the janitorial staff spoke with us on the issue, but refused to give his name.

“Man, the morning after, there are just too many corpses to push into the woods like we normally do the other 364 days a year,” the man said. “The worst part about it; all these students come up to us asking us to clean out the limbs and other body parts that get stuck in their tires. Man, they ask us! That’s not in my job description. All you students know what happens after Halloween, how about you stop trying to drive through a sea of corpses? And don’t you dare tell me you didn’t see them until it was too late.”

A spokesman for the administration had this to say: “We have a faculty full of social justice warriors and if there was a sea of corpses in the parking lot, which there isn’t, they would totally handle it; furthermore, there has never been any recorded proof of such an event; on a side note, please remember our ‘No selfies or any other kind of pictures’ policy we have here on campus.”

While the administration continues to deny the body problem, one student club is ready to take a bite out of the problem.

Fred Biemoz, student zombie and leader of the Sorta-Alive American Club on campus, has a solution: We can recycle the bodies.

“The administration’s ‘no-eating’ policy on Halloween night conveniently avoids any conflict with the vampire population here on campus, as we all know they drink their food,” Biemoz said. “I say, If the vampires get to corpse binge on Halloween, myself and my fellow Sorta-Alive Americans would gladly eat up their mess, and in doing so, we’d keep those bodies out of landfills. Recycling is the answer my friends. We need to change this policy. Why cater to vampires and let them have all the fun, I mean they get eternal life, while Sorta-Alive Americans everywhere are in a constant state of decay. Just look at James, he’s already reached stage four of ‘Sorta-Aliveness.'”

James, the vice president of the Sorta-Alive American Club added, “Braaaaiiinnnnsss!”

This article is not real and was written for the TSV Halloween special for Issue 5, Fall, 2014.