The truth train was chugging hard last Monday. Deep, hard truths posited by small-handed business man/presidential candidate Donald Trump. In these trying times, Trump is a breath of hot fresh air. He’s the only candidate strong enough to foppishly describe all the ways that America is the worst country in the history of ever.

Over the course of the last few months, Donald Trump has bravely yelled about the various threats facing America. First, it was Muslims. Who knows what’s going on under those head thingies, right? They should wear something more acceptable, like cowboy hats.

Next, it appeared that Mexican people were the biggest threat.

As someone who is 50 percent Mexican, I felt 50 percent bad about it. Sorry for kind of wanting to kill you, America. Then there were a lot of other evil things: Obama, handicapped people, Obama, brown people in general, Obama, Skittles, and Obama.

But all these threats are dwarfed by the newest, biggest problem revealed by Trump: a 400 pound fat man, sitting somewhere, hacking our computers.

How could we not have noticed him? Curse you, political correctness. If we were allowed to scream at fat people, as nature intended, we never would’ve gotten into this mess.

I for one, believe that we should applaud Donald Trump. It’s about damn time someone took a brave stance against overweight Americans, i.e. fat fascists, i.e. fatscists. What are they up to?

What are they storing all that energy for? Evil? What are they hiding under their superfluous flesh? ISIS? Probably! Look: cholesterol = evil. It’s a straight up one to one ratio. Don’t believe me? History is a laundry list of evil fat people. Like John Candy, for instance, or that guy who keeps taking up all the driers in my apartment. Case closed.

Trump was right, again.

Trump’s stand against fat people is nothing short of heroic. It is without a doubt the bravest, most incredible thing I have ever seen, believe me, it is unbelievable. As a certifiably obese person himself, he’s sacrificing so much by calling out fat people, putting himself at the risk of being mugged at a Krispy Kreme.

He’s the one fat person you can trust. Trump has spearheaded the fight himself, heroically insulting women who have gained even the slightest amount of weight. It’s about time. We need someone who isn’t afraid to harass women. Take that, establishment!

If we want America to be great again, we’re going to have to make serious lifestyle changes. We need more gentle inclines and narrower plane seats. Also, more celery sticks. If you see a fat person, chase them. Poke them with sharpened sticks. Protest sumo wrestling.

The next time you’re eating at Arby’s, keep a close eye on the big fella going face down into a Ruben. The next thing he takes a bite out of could be…America.