Police misidentify popular band as vampires

Photo credit: William Nacouzi

Photo credit: William Nacouzi

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Several members of the irritating yet popular band Vampire Weekend are in critical condition after being mistaken for actual vampires by Texas law enforcement officials.

Lead singer Ezera (what’s-his-face) and drummer (?) are receiving medical treatment for stake related puncture wounds to the chest and crucifix related blunt force trauma. Both band members are also undergoing dialysis, as they were subjected to lethal doses of concentrated garlic oil, administered by hypodermic needles in a “pulp fiction” manner.

The incident occurred mid performance, when a crack team of Texas law enforcement officials, composed of members of the Texas Rangers and Houston Police responded to calls from distressed citizens claiming that their town had been overrun by vampires. Law enforcement officials stated that they were initially confused by the band’s deathly pale skin color, stiff corpselike manner of moving, and numerous reports of them “sucking”.

Houston Sherriff Clark Beauford, a fifteen year veteran of the police force and state yodeling champion, defended his actions regarding the attack on the band.

“Thems look like the fellas what done bite on the women folks!” stated Houston Sherriff Clark Beauford “We ain’t takin too kindly to them, what with their fancy accents and their big ol’ houses. We was fixin to set them cape wearin’ foreigners straight, and gawd dang if we ain’t done it.” Sherriff Beauford proceeded to hitch up his pants and fire several shots into the air whilst shouting “yee-haw!” He went on to discuss how his son, Brandon, had failed to live up to his expectations. He explained that Brandon seemed generally disinterested in football and girls, and yearned to go to Hollywood. He also wanted to dance ballet. Sherriff Beauford chuckled at the idea of his son dancing ballet as though it were a joke, but then a sudden faraway look came into his eyes. He teared up a bit, but stopped himself just short of crying. “I didn’t raise no sissy” he said in an unintentionally loud voice. He claimed that Brandon will “straighten up any day now”, and quietly lamented that his wife should never have had let Brandon watch PBS as a child, as it probably instilled dangerous values in him. Sherriff Beauford insisted that none of this exchange be used in the news report, then walked away while whispering to himself that his son “ain’t no sissy”.

Dozens of additional injuries occurred when the Texas rangers proceeded to roundhouse kick their way through the plethora of slack jawed, polo-shirt wearing Vampire Weekend fans.

“They totally ripped my cardigan” stated Harrison Abercrombie, a concert goer, victim, and winner of the Preppiest Name of The Year Award, 2013. “This is like, the worst thing that has ever happened. Ever. In history. To anyone.”

A spokesperson for The Texas Rangers stated that vampire related tension in the city of Houston had been high since the “Twilight Flasher” terrorized the city from March 2009-April 2011. There was ample concern that, in addition to sucking the life out of the womenfolk of Houston, the band would also expose themselves, corrupting the tender moral values of the town.

Vampire Weekend could not be reached for any coherent comment. They did comment, but their responses were too wordy and obtuse to be of any immediate use.

This article is not real and was written for the TSV Halloween special for Issue 5, Fall, 2014.