Dear Zoe,
My girlfriend always falls asleep when we’re on the phone but I don’t know if she has a health problem or is she just tired? How do I bring this concern up to her? It’s a bit irritating, especially when I’ve been trying to tell her how in love I am with her.
N.J.
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N.J. –
I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. I’ll start with the bad news first. Your girlfriend just might not be that into you. When we care about someone and are interested in them, we like to listen, even if they are just chatting about nothing. The fact that she keeps dozing off while you’re talking is a bad sign that she might not like you that much. Does she look bored or distracted when you talk in person or does this problem only happen on the phone? Depending on your answer, I would take a closer look at where things are headed…things aren’t looking too hot.
However, there is good news too. She could really be into you but have a health issue or be chronically tired from lack of sleep, which is a very common problem for many people. You should just ask her directly about this to find out if she hasn’t been sleeping much or if she’s got something more serious like narcolepsy (when one cannot control when one falls asleep). Find out if she takes medication for anything, as some prescriptions do cause drowsiness. I’m going to assume this happens at the end of the day or at night before you go to sleep so the odds of her feeling fatigued are high. However, if she dozes off when you talk on the phone in the morning or afternoon, unless you learn she does have some kind of illness, read paragraph one again.
Make sure when you do ask her about this issue that you are not on the phone. You don’t want her dozing off on the phone while you’re asking her about falling asleep! In addition to talking to her in person, be careful to not sound accusatory since you don’t know what her situation is yet. Just tell her in a neutral tone how you have noticed that she gets tired and eventually falls asleep when you are on the phone and you have been wondering if there’s something you are saying to cause this. That makes it less confrontational since you’re making it about what you are doing. She’ll probably tell you at this point what is wrong and then you can both figure out how to improve things. If she insists that nothing is wrong or somehow starts to get upset, nicely tell her that you just want to make her happy and emphasize that if there’s anything you can say or do to engage her more, she should let you know. If you stay approachable, she should be completely fine with the conversation.
It’s so sweet that you’re ready to tell her how much you love her! You should definitely try and tell her this in person rather than on the phone just to make it more personal (and avoid any potential falling asleep issues). However, until you’re sure that she’s genuinely into you, I would hold off. Address the dozing off problem first because remember, sadly there is a chance she’s just not that into you. And if she’s not that into you, you don’t want to waste your time and emotions declaring your love for her. But if you find out she does really care and just needs to fix some health problems, then feel free to tell her those three special little words.
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Dear Zoe,
It was my girlfriend’s turn to plan date night. I was really excited until she took me to our local bookstore. She could tell I was disappointed and instead of picking a new place, she threw a fit and said I was “mean and stupid.” Am I so wrong for not being interested in going to read books on a date night with my girlfriend?
D.H.
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D.H. –
Yes, you are wrong, but so is she. While date night is about a couple spending quality time together, ideally both people should also enjoy the actual activities and locations involved. However, this isn’t always possible, especially if the two people involved have very different interests. If she hates sports (I’m assuming you love sports but this applies for whatever your interests are) and you hate books, then that makes it difficult for you two to have a date night where you both like the activity. Being in a relationship is about much more than having fun, though. You should both make efforts to learn about and appreciate things that your partner is into. I don’t know your girlfriend, but maybe she really loves books and reading and spending time in a bookstore makes her happy. If that’s true, you should have made more of an effort to enjoy the experience with her even if you personally thought the idea was kind of boring. What’s important to her should be important to you even if you don’t really agree.
I do think she overreacted though when she called you “mean and stupid.” While I’m sure she was disappointed that you weren’t more excited by the date, it’s obvious you weren’t trying to be malicious about your feelings. I’m guessing she was just really excited about going to the bookstore with you and was just very let down by your lack of enthusiasm. She was at fault as well, because as the date night planner, she should have factored in your preferences to hopefully come up with an activity that you could both enjoy together. If you never told her you didn’t like books, then I can see how she would be confused and hurt because she had no idea you wouldn’t like going to the bookstore with her. But, if you expressed your dislike before and she chose to ignore or forget that you’re not a fan of roaming between bookshelves, then that is rather inconsiderate of her to pick something she knows you’re not into.
There are a few ways you can approach date night in the future so that you both can fully enjoy it. One way is to compromise by making sure that anything planned is something that you and she are interested in. If you’re total opposites, maybe that means you don’t get to do the things you really like but that also means you can explore new things together. I’m sure that checking out a new movie would be something you both can appreciate, sign up for a new class to take together, go to a concert of an artist you both enjoy, etc. If you can’t find anything in common, then taking turns is the other way to go. If she picks the bookstore again, try to just enjoy her company and look at sports books or magazines or whatever topic you are interested in. Then when you get tickets to go to a football game, she can’t complain because she knows it’s something you love (even if she hates it) and you already made the effort to go to the bookstore with her. If both of you take turns, then nobody can really get upset even if sometimes you are bored by the other person’s choices, because things are fair for both of you. If taking turns doesn’t work because you really just find books unbearable and she truly can’t stand going to sports games, then the last option is to just stick with really neutral activities that won’t offend anybody. Some things you can try to do instead are: have dinner together, take a walk somewhere scenic, cuddle on the couch, or just talk to each other.
I think you’ll find that if you both make an effort to factor in the other person’s feelings and interests, whether it be through compromising on date night activities or taking turns, you’ll both end up happier and feel closer to each other. It’s not so much what you do, it’s about the why and how. You do things to make her happy because you love her and she should do the same in return. So, good luck planning the next date night and don’t be so pessimistic about picking up a book or two!
