Two issues ago I wrote about one of the best movies I have ever seen in my life.  This time around I am going to warn you about one of the worst movies I have ever seen. 

This review is meant to be a warning about a movie so bad that people were talking on their phones in the theater and others listened in on those conversations, as opposed to actually listening to the poorly written, one liner packed dialogue.

I never actually intended to see this movie, however my friend was visiting from Florida and he did so I tagged along.  I saw the movie on the second day of its release, and I when I looked at the big LED board at the Century 20, I knew this movie was going to be terrible.  It was only showing on one screen, and that screen was on the top floor where they show all the movies that have been out for two months and are on their way off the big screen.  This movie definitely had warning signs not to see it even before I stepped into the theater, and I really should have listened.

I am of course referring to “The Condemned,” a movie starring “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones and several other actors who are so unknown I am choosing to keep them that way due to their horrible acting job.

The movie is about a multi-millionaire, Hollywood, producer who decides to make a reality television show about ten criminals of all races and nations, killing each other so one can be released with cash back into the free world.  These ten criminals are all on death row in their respective prisons and are sent to a remote island in the south Pacific.  The producer then streams the whole show live over Internet thus broadcasting murder to the entire world.  Austin’s character is one of those criminals except he has a secret past, with the secret service and has been in prison for a year. 

The entire time, Austin is trying to take the moral high ground all the while still acting like a badass.  The only problem with Austin taking the high ground is, that he cannot do it with people trying to kill him.  So what does he do?  He kills them instead.  All in the hopes of getting back to the life he had before he went to prison.

The first problem with this movie was naturally the use of a washed up wrestler, looking to make a movie using his only skill, hitting people.  Austin never said anything more than single lines of dialogue that were something to be desired, however I think this was the case because he was unable to memorize more than one line of dialogue. 

The second problem with this movie was the fact that the producers attempted to make this movie, a sort of ethics lesson about how the Internet needs to be regulated due to the amount of graphic material that can be found on it.  Ironically this ethics lesson takes place during a movie that is all about violence, explosions and making quick money (all three of which this movie had trouble doing).

The third problem with the movie is the explosions were poorly done.  At one point in the movie one of the tech people working on the show says that the explosives would be big enough to blow up a two-story house and a car at the same time.  In reality the explosions could blow up just a car, or in this case just one human being, it really was a disappointment.

However the stupidest part of the movie was the fact that the people working on the show, with the exception of two people, thought that these ten people killing each other were cool.
There were some shining moments in this mud puddle of a movie.  Vinnie Jones who plays a British military man sent to jail for destroying a village in Africa, does a particularly good job with his part.  He was funny and deliciously devious, in an altogether obvious way.  The antagonist of this picture, Jones manages to make the audience want him to win because of the way he carries himself through the movie.  The other good part of the movie was the fact that Stone Cold didn’t say, “give me a hell yeah,” or crack open a beer and splash it around in celebration.

“The Condemned,” was predictable, horribly written, and with unnecessarily shaky camera work through the fight scenes, this movie left a bitter taste in my mouth, as one of the worst movies of the year.  If this review tells you anything, it is that I am trying to spare you the anguish of watching a movie that even wrestling fans don’t want to see.  There are far better ways to pass the time, like reading Plato’s republic in its original Greek without knowing how to read Greek, or perhaps even being gored by a bull, because “The Condemned” was far more painful to experience.