This has been going around for a while. Everyone seems to think that I HATE children, and I’m some sort of inhuman monster for doing so. Well, in order to help clean up my good name, I’m going to set the record straight for all those who think they are listening to the wrong person.
First off, I have never said “I hate children”. Someone merely put those words into my mouth. If you know me, then you know that I simply don’t like children. To me, hate is a very strong word. Sure, it gets tossed around all the time (“Oh man, I hate that movie,” or “I hate those curly fries at Jack in the Box”), but there are times when I really mean it. Hating children? Nah, that’s not one of those times for me.
So why exactly do I not like children? Some small reasons, mainly. They’re annoying, they scream all the time, and they smell really bad, thanks in part to them not having control of their bowels. Plus, they can’t even talk. They remind me of hobos. I mean, when a baby comes waddling up to you, babbling and drooling with a diaper full of filth, people go “aww, how cute!” But when a hobo does the same thing, people cringe in fear. Why does no one but me cringe in fear on both occasions? I’ll never know.
When people hear that I don’t like children, one of the most annoying responses is “oh, but you were a baby once!” What, like that’s some sort of iron-clad defense? OH MAN, you got me there! I COMPLETELY forgot I was a baby a couple of decades ago! I’d better take back everything I’ve said, because that observation made me realize that I used to be a baby! All sarcasm aside, if you’re going to fight me on this, then come up with a better argument than that, please. Saying that I used to be a baby means absolutely nothing. It’s like saying that the Titanic used to be sea-worthy.
In closing, I would just like to apologize to all the parents out there, especially my own mother. I have a baby brother (I think he’s 2 or 3, I forget…), and I’m sure my mom won’t like reading this, even if this entire article is meant to be taken with a grain of salt. I did exaggerate a bit in this article, but the fact remains: I don’t like children. Hate me if you must, but I stand by my…um…stance.