What the…?!?

Life is serious business. But, if variety is the spice of life, then a small dose of triviality peppered here and there certainly doesn’t hurt. In fact, a little trifling frivolity of seemingly worthless character probably adds some balance to the diet of the soul. With that inspiration in mind, let’s see what balance we can gain from a random sampling of trivial-but-true gleanings from the past couple weeks.Speaking of a balanced diet, a cake in La Trinidad, Philippines may have Dr. Atkins rolling over in his grave. Chefs there used a ton of flour, three tons of strawberries, and one thousand eggs to bake their eight-foot-tall cake. It sits on a 384-square-foot base and weighs 24,572 pounds. And they can eat it too.Reuters reports that the University of Manchester has hired Paul Agutter as a professor of ethics. He will be teaching a course on ethics and science at the British university. The professor has established himself as something of an expert in both of those fields. After all, it takes superior knowledge of science to manufacture enough deadly toxins to secretly contaminate several drinks at a local Safeway and a firm grasp on ethics to attempt to murder his wife by poisoning her drink with nightshade. Hey, they didn’t specify what kind of ethics he would be teaching.By the way, Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.Here’s a guy who got his own crash course in ethics. Last month, a German man trying to steal clothes that were to be donated to charity got was coming to him. The man slipped and fell into the metal bin containing the clothes and found himself trapped in the pile of linens with only his arms sticking out. According to the police who arrived on the scene, the ensnared thief was holding a cigarette in one hand and demanding, “Give me a light!” They gave him a subpoena instead.Several politicians in Holland are calling for the government to make bestiality illegal after a man was found violating a pony. The man was arrested but allowed to go free because there is no Dutch law outlawing sex with animals. However, the government’s main concern with bestiality has nothing to do with the moral or psychological implications, but with the animal’s lack of ability to give consent. Said one parliament member, “It is pure maltreatment and should therefore be punished.” The pony, however, was not available to give its own comment.In unrelated non-news, Barbie’s full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.The Dutch may be busy debating about mutual consent, but the Chinese are skipping the debate and wishing a resident alien would just get busy. The alien, a panda named Hua Mei, was sent to China from the San Diego Zoo in order to mate with a native male. Upon observing an apparent lack of interest in mating, concerned veterinarians have begun to try stirring up Hua Mei’s animal instincts. They started to show her what they call “sexual education videos.” …And now for our next lesson in the birds and the bears…In preparation for tax season, Jay MacDonald of Bankrate.com recently compiled a list of not-so-good ideas for tax deductions. Here a few to inspire the common man in his tax filing adventures:· An elderly client lost his dentures when they fell out of his mouth and into his toilet. He claimed them on his taxes as an act-of-God casualty loss.· A Texas man who owned a watch dog tried to deduct the cost of dog food as a security expense. His accountant advised him that the IRS may not think so logically.· A Pittsburgh store owner hired an arsonist to burn down his store, collected $500,000 in insurance, and obediently reported the money on his income tax return. He then deducted the conspicuous $10,000 “consulting fee” he paid the arsonist. Two years later, they were both “consulting” each other behind bars.One more thing. Arachibutyrophobia is the name for the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. And now you know. Hopefully, that’s enough to keep us balanced until next issue.