You’ve heard her name a million different ways, from Jennifer Lopez to J-Lo to Jenny from the Block. You’ve seen her name sprawled across movie billboards and massive window displays at music stores. On any given day, her mug graces the covers of at least five different magazines at the grocery store checkout line.
     If that’s not enough, fanatics of this international superstar can now dress and smell like her, thanks to her very own hip-hop-inspired clothing line (J-Lo, available at Mr. Rags and other fine retailers) and women’s cologne that sports its own bling-bling (Glow, $38, at sephora.com).
     Like the air we breathe, Jennifer Lopez-most commonly referred to as J-Lo-seems to be everywhere; so much that I have begun to feel that her existence is crucial to our own. If J-Lo disappeared from our world, we would probably all suffocate as a result of it.
     If I sound a bit cynical, I don’t apologize. After all, I’m a bit of a J-Lo fan myself. Her music is bound to set off a booty-shaking frenzy at any time and place, and I’m all for that. All I’m trying to say is that it’s quite possible to be too many things at one time. J-Lo’s success as a dancer/actress/singer/entrepreneur/fashionista is mind-boggling and completely unnatural.
     For her own good, I feel it is best that she take a step back from her daily obligations to enjoy the good life she has created for herself and the rest of the world. That way, a lot of people can get some much-needed rest, like the paparazzi-who have found a home away from home stationed outside her home all those sleepless nights; her M.C. Hammer-reminiscent entourage-whose many members dutifully accompany her practically wherever she goes; and her growing list of boy-toys and victims, both past and present-like husband #1 Ojani Noa, husband #2 Chris Judd, and soon-to-be-husband #3 Ben Affleck (Don’t worry, Ben- as the saying goes, the third time’s a charm).
     And myself. Because if I hear one more outcry about her outrageous fashion statements or her unlucky-in-love woe tale, I will throw up. After all, Chris Judd was a sweetheart, as we all found out during his stint on Fox’s “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” J-Lo obviously didn’t think so, because she chewed him up and spit him out before the nuptial bed even had a chance to cool.
     Another thing that could use a rest is her butt. If it (and its ego) gets any bigger, it will need its own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Remember those rumors from a while back stating J-Lo allegedly took out a $1 million insurance policy on her butt? Maybe that was a good idea, because if anything should happen to it, her career will be over. Because without “that butt,” she can no longer pull off wearing “that green dress” with the strategically-placed double-sided tape.
     Whatever the issue, be it the album/movie/video/outfit/flavor of the week or simply her surplus of sex appeal, J-Lo shines like no other. Someone must put a stop to it before she decides to run for president.