Advice Nerd:

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Greetings once again, students of Skyline College. I am the Advice Nerd, your source for wisdom in all things conventional, obscure, or anything in between. I am putting myself at your service to produce information in any subject you need advice on… this is how it works: You send me questions you have about whatever you want and I do my best to give you the truthful, satisfactory reply you deserve.

In this issue’s Advice Nerd, I want to talk about something that has bothered me in my past two or three semesters. Here is some helpful advice about Public Displays of Affection.

Keep it in the parking lotNear the beginning of the semester I was sitting in the cafeteria when my ears were suddenly bombarded with the sound of intense orgasm. Being the curious fellow that I am, I turned my head to see what the commotion was about. There in the corner was a people-pile- two couples were splayed on the couch, the females of the bunch straddling the smiling males. No clothing had been removed, but it was made obvious by their writhing what was on their minds.

I realized during this vision of obnoxious abandon that almost every head in the cafeteria was turned in the same direction as mine. Every face was full of disgust. Every bite of half-chewed food was left unfinished in their mouths, just as it was in mine. The noise never stopped, so I quickly finished my food and left the room.

This kind of public semi-orgy should not be happening at our school. I don’t have anything against being involved in a relationship, but announcing it to the world with slurping and moaning is not the way to express maturity. I mean, we’re in college people. My advice to you is to save it for parking lot 8.

Just say ‘No’ to kissy-faceThere’s a fine line between perfectly acceptable affection and annoying, cutesy obsession. I’m talking about being stuck in line at the bookstore behind a couple whose sole purpose in life is to make kissy noises while longingly staring into each other’s eyes. These are the people who get t-shirts with their partner’s face on them just so they can have the grinning mug of their sweetie-pie staring at you constantly from their chest. If you’re in a relationship and you’ve got a t-shirt with a picture of your lovely someone, don’t panic. Just explain that you’re not comfortable with advertising your personal life and set some boundaries. Throw away the shirt as quickly as possible… you won’t want your former mentality to resurface.

Quick, run away!If you happen to be wandering the campus and stumble upon some unnecessary displays of affection, you have several choices. You could tap the lip-locked couple and politely ask them to discontinue their smacking, you could yell at them angrily, or you could get the hell out of there. Personally, I would probably just leave. I may be annoyed by all this smooching, but I’m not going to cause any trouble to get it to stop. People who explode with hormones at school don’t need to be ridiculed… their unrestricted actions lower my opinion about them, personally. What about you? How do you feel about Public Displays of Affection?

To ask a question or send hate mail,pleaseemail [email protected] Please put Advice Nerd in the subject line so I don’t delete it accidentally. Topics in the past have ranged from relationships to sandwiches, so don’t be shy. I hope to hear from you soon.