As a child, I always wanted a lightsaber. The thought of having a weapon that severs limbs (and cauterizes!) was always an influence in my crafty-but-impossible ice-cream-stealing fantasies. Yet despite my occasional tendencies to veer to the Dark Side, I was quite simply a little girl who liked Star Wars. I just didn’t know it at the time. My Barbie loved having the plastic replicas of Boba Fett and Lando Calrissian as her sons, and Chewbacca loved swimming in the backyard mud pit. But did I know anything of The Force? Not then, but it was my destiny to find out.

It is also your destiny to be reading this now-to read this final installment of “$10 or Less,” a tribute to the mighty Star Wars saga–the ultimate summer film(s). It was not an easy feat to accomplish. Two weeks in the making it has been. In fact, the most difficult of the series to watch was “Revenge of the Sith,” not because of film unavailability, but due to friend unavailability. None of my friends felt “Revenge” was worthwhile enough to see twice, or even three times, and I couldn’t go by myself. That would break the number one movie theater rule: Thou shalt not attend movies alone. Yet these same people, who were so unavailable, came through…with a deadly and exotic pirated DVD.

I had my qualms; I expected to see heads at the bottom of the screen. Not so. I don’t know how its quality would stack against other pirated DVDs, but it wasn’t so bad. Now, before everyone starts getting antsy, I have seen the movie in the theater since then (Thanks, Mom!), and I would recommend that it is the only true way to watch this episode. “Revenge” is made for the large screen, and every last explosive detail shows. You also need a bucket of popcorn, extra butter, and a water-tower-sized soda in order to get the full Summer Movie Experience. In fact, if anyone wants to see it again or still hasn’t seen it, e-mail me, and let’s go. You can write me at [email protected]; my name is Elizabeth.

All six films were viewed for less than $10, a good part due to the Peninsula Library System. The original three movies are available, en masse, at a cheap price. If you want to see the original, undoctored versions, however, you’re going to have to do a little searching. What do I mean “undoctored”? The 1995 VHS versions are what viewers saw on the screen, 1977-1983. After that, George Lucas and his crew decided to stick in reworked, graphically superior scenes. Even to an untrained eye, the “new” scenes are very easy to spot, and somewhat disturbing. When 2025 rolls around, hopefully Lucas and company will leave my beloved “Revenge” as it is, despite its potentially dated look.

Place: My house/ United Artists Galaxy 4, Sutter and Van Ness, San Francisco
Movies: 1 (2x)
Cost: FREE!
Place: South San Francisco Library, 840 West Orange Ave.
Movies: 3 (Episodes IV, V, and VI)
Cost: $3
Place: Hollywood Video, 855 El Camino Real, San Bruno
Movies: 2 (Episodes I and II)
Cost: $4.30
Total cost: $7.30

“Episode I: The Phantom Menace” (1999) – No doubt, the weakest of all six films. Still, for those interested, it’s essential for understanding the Anakin Skywalker character. In fact, the extended title of the entire series should read “Star Wars: The Anakin Skywalker Saga,” because that’s what it’s all about. In “Phantom,” we get to see Anakin (Jake Lloyd) as a young child, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) as a handsome young Jedi, and Queen Amidala/Padmé, as blandly portrayed throughout the prequel films by Natalie Portman. There’s also a spooky character named Darth Maul (Ray Park) running around, causing intergalactic trouble, but the film’s best lightsaber duel takes care of that. And if by the end, you only want to stab Jar Jar Binks (That voice! Argh!), you’re not alone. But remember, getting angry is giving in to the Dark Side.

“Episode II: Attack of the Clones” (2002) – Herein lies a vast amount of ass-kicking and name-taking. If Jedi fighting is what you like, then it’s what you’ll get. It is, in fact, the most redeeming aspect of “Clones.” The rest of the time is devoted to now older Anakin’s (Hayden Christensen) emotional instability. One could make up a drinking game because of it: Every time Yoda says, “Clouded, his future is,” or Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) puts Anakin in his place, have a shot. You will get plastered. Coolest fight: Yoda, in his first ever seen lightsaber battle, takes on the heinous Count Dooku (Christopher Lee). He may be small, but he inflicts some serious damage.

“Episode III: Revenge of the Sith” (2005) – I love this movie. Of all six, it is my favorite, because the plot is, like Lucas said, “‘Titanic’ in space.” It’s got love, betrayal, anger, power struggles, and best of all, lots of juicy fight scenes. Unfortunately, it has dry acting mixed with drier dialogue. As much as I want to give Christensen’s Skywalker the benefit of the doubt, the CGI robots emote more (especially the cute-but-not-so-cuddly R2-D2). Trouble is, the series was made backwards. Christensen and Portman were most likely cast due to their resemblance to Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher, who play their children in the later episodes. There are, however, two people that save the acting from complete failure: Ian McDiarmid as the vile Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and McGregor’s Obi-Wan. Throughout the prequel episodes, their acting is consistently good and isn’t delivered like they’re reading from cue cards.

“Episode IV: A New Hope” (1977) – Two words: Harrison Ford. In Episodes IV, V, and VI, Harrison Ford’s Han Solo is funny, ornery, entertaining, and thoroughly heroic. His then heartthrob status didn’t hurt, either. He also makes an excellent counterpart for the kick-ass Princess Leia (Fisher). In fact, all acting is superior compared to the prequel movies. Even Hamill’s Luke Skywalker, whose head seems to be in another galaxy most of the time, channels some kind of Force and finally pulls the character together. The only bad part about “A New Hope” is the terrible lightsaber duel between Darth Vader and “Old Ben” Kenobi (Alec Guinness). Talk about stiff! Despite her lack of elbows and moveable waist, my old Barbie doll could bring more hurt than Vader. Then again, this was the first lightsaber duel ever, so we can cut the oldtimers some slack.

“Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back” (1980) – You gotta love Frank Oz. He voices more Muppets than you knew existed. As a result, however, when we first meet the mystical Yoda, he sounds like a butch Miss Piggy. “Empire” also contains, among other t
hings, much better lightsabering, a more complex Luke, and one big fat, “I am your father,” moment. So much drama! Another potential drinking game (which could be used for the entire series, as a matter of fact): lost limbs. Anytime someone gets and arm sliced off with a lightsaber, take a shot. Take two shots if they lose a leg, three shots if they lose a head.

“Episode VI: Return of the Jedi” (1983) – I have a theory that George Lucas made the prequel films to compensate for what seems like Darth Vader going soft. As far as I’m concerned, the voice of Darth Vader (James Earl Jones) has never been soft. Just think back on all the times the phrase, “Your feelings betray you,” which is then followed by the ominous breathing. Didn’t it give you chills? You know that if you heard that breathing behind you in a dark alley, you’d be in trouble. It’s like the “Jaws” theme but creepier. So, when Luke and Anakin have their ultimately dramatic bonding moment at the end, it almost brings tears to the eyes…that is until Hayden Christensen pops in. Hayden Christensen? Wasn’t he only in the prequel films? Yes, but with the magic of modern technology, he can be teleported back to 1983, apparently. This is also my favorite original Star Wars film. Pass the hankies, please.

In fact, the entire series really is something magical. It’s a good place to start if you’re looking to beef up your DVD collection. This concludes “$10 or Less.” And now, back to reality.