The Advice Nerd

Once again, I seem to return to the Features page of The Skyline View. I’m John Harrison, Online Editor of this newspaper, and someone finally submitted a question for me. The catch is, this individual is part of The Skyline View staff, and I want to make it perfectly clear that everyone who sends me a question will have the same chances of being responded to, and I will accept these questions from anyone. Now that that’s out of the way, Brian McKay of South San Francisco writes:

“John, can you teach me how to make a sandwich?”

Brian, of course I can teach you how to make a sandwich. Why, I’ve been making sandwiches since I was a lad no older than eight, perfecting my technique over the years. The article that follows is a simple recipe for what world-renowned chefs call the “peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” a dangerous combination of oily nut butter and gooey fruit fun. I will now share with you five easy steps to making the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Obtain suppliesGet your bread, get your jelly, get your peanut butter, and toss ’em on a flat surface. Make sure the surface is sanitized… you don’t want mustard or cat hair or anything like that in your perfect sandwich. Keep a butter knife handy for spreading; it can potentially be used cutting the sandwich in half as well. After this step is complete, you’re on your way to making a great PB&J.

Get some breadWhatever kind you prefer, you must have bread to begin the process of sandwich construction. Whether it be wheat, white or rye, two slices of it are needed to smush the other ingredients together. The bread is the backbone of your operation. Reach into the bag, and grab those delicious flaps of loaf. Check them before you start, though. No one likes eating crusty, moldy, or otherwise unhealthy bread.

Peanut butter breakdownDip the tip of your butter knife into the smooth, wavy surface of the peanut butter. Twirl it around until you’ve got a nice blob of golden goodness and plop it on your bread. If it’s creamy peanut butter, you need to use finesse as you spread it over the entire surface of the bread, leaving no space un-buttered. If it’s chunky, you need to exert a bit of force in the spreading of the chunks. Either way, measure for thickness according to taste.

Let’s jamOn the other slice, take your jar of jelly and tip it upside down, spilling the contents onto the unsuspecting bread. If the jelly doesn’t drop on its own, take your knife and jab it up into the jar. Quickly jerk up on the jar as soon as enough jelly has piled onto your piece of bread for your liking. Once again, use your knife to spread the shining glob over the entire slice of bread. If you have too much jelly, don’t feel bad about scraping the excess back into the jar.

Assemble and consumeSmash the bread together (with the jelly on top, of course) and eat the thing.

There you go, Brian. Now you can go home and make thousands of sandwiches. Make them for your family; make them for your friends; make them and sell them on the street. When you make it big as a successful sandwich-merchant, you can remember where you got your start: from the Advice Nerd!Ask me things, people. I’m here to help. You can reach us at [email protected], for those of you that are interested. Anything you submit belongs to us, and there isn’t anything you can do about it. So there.