Keeping up with the Clumps

This year’s string presidential debates has been an absolute train wreck, and one that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of. Not because I have any interest in politics, but because I haven’t laughed as much as I did during the debates in a very long time.

Between Trump’s (more than likely drug induced) sniffles and Clinton (not so casually) dropping her website as if it were a fire mixtape, what was there not to love?

Shout out to both of their staff writers for ghostwriting their punch lines. In all honesty, I’m considering taking stand-up comedy a little more seriously because maybe one day I too, can write zingers for a future presidential candidate.

SNL did a wonderful job recreating the already hilarious debates. Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of Trump was spot on. In fact, I hope Alec Baldwin continues to make special appearances on SNL as Trump.

All three debates had moments of entertainment value but both candidates knew they could never top their first performance. I thought I could expect to hear both candidates detailing their plans for the country and assure the nation that they deserved our trust, but I knew I wasn’t going to get that.

All I saw was an entertainment event that should have been on Pay-Per-View, similar to WWE’s Wrestlemania. Our government should have charged us a premium to watch Trump creepily stand behind Clinton while she answered questions.

What did the American people do that made the government think that we deserved to watch this circus on TV for free?

“So if you want to see in realtime what the facts are, please go and take a look,” Clinton said before Trump chimed in and drop his fire website as well. It was just painful to watch them vomit words on stage in front of the entire world.

A personal favorite moment from the first debate was Trump’s response to being asked how his judgment is different than Clinton’s.

“Well, I have much better judgment than she does. There’s no question about that.”

Wait, what? Has Trump ever written an essay? I thought Donald Trump was supposed to be an intelligent man. This could have been a great opportunity for Trump to make his selling point as to why he’s the better candidate but he fell short. Ridiculously short.

Also, I tip my hat to Clinton’s well-rehearsed responses. She was clearly prepared for the debate, probably spent the previous night standing in front of the mirror reciting what she would say. And Clinton really killed it with that shoulder shimmy. It was brilliant.

But Clinton needs to stop reiterating her accomplishments as if she’s at a job interview. We get it, you’ve served time as the First Lady. Okay, you worked hand in hand with President Obama to take down Osama Bin Laden. Yes, you can list Secretary of State in your resume.

But please, for the love of God, humble yourself.

It was interesting to see the live tweets from both candidates during the debates as well. Sure, it wasn’t actually Clinton or Trump on their phone under the podiums but still. Can we really expect both candidates to tweet while discussing potential plans to make college more affordable? Would that be more palatable with an array of emojis?

I don’t know what’s going to happen in November, but Clinton and Trump really need to figure out how they’re going to get into the White House instead of puns and one-liners.