The Skyline View

Filed under Opinions

Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

New smartphones continue to roll out but the devices fail to progress.

Michelle Brignoli/The Skyline View

New smartphones continue to roll out but the devices fail to progress.

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Oh good. There’s a new iPhone.

The right thing—the sane thing—would to be maniacally stoked. So stoked that I would head-butt a nun if she got between me and my sweet, sweet iPhone, so help me, I’ll do it.

I’m sure it does a bunch of stuff. I should research it. It’s probably got a ton of new, really fancy features that make all prior iPhones obsolete. Those were merely I-Phonies. This seventh phone, surely it is the iPhone of the gods.

Yeah, no. I know nothing about it, but I already know that it’s not. It’s a phone, it calls people. It will be irrelevant, as will iPhones eight through-twenty. The iPhone is like a snake molting; sure, it’s shiny and new looking, but it’s the same snake. If you still manage to get bitten, then you’re bit. Go sweetly into endless night, dear vole.

I should stop and point out that I’m probably the worst person to opine about the iPhone. I have a fifteen dollar track phone. It works. Where I start getting irked is in the hype surrounding the iPhone, and how people seem to go so crazy about getting new ones.

I’m struggling to understand the delineation between progress and consumerism. You can’t fight progress, that would make you look crazy. You’d be some jerk wrapped in a space blanket, screaming at traffic.

From this standpoint, the iPhone is a perfect scam. Nothing ages like technology—just do a comparison of CGI from the 1980’s to the mid 90’s to now. The changes are so sharp that its laughable, but people were actually stoked for the Claymation in Clash of the Titans.

The iPhone, however, is technological crack. It’s a brand new thing that’s guaranteed to go out of style. People go kookalooka for these things. It’s a phone, it’s for calling people.

I was cut by the knife edge of progress once, when I was six.

It was the Super Nintendo/N 64 transition. I went to the video rental store (a real thing that used to exist), and I noticed that there were fewer and fewer Super Nintendo games available. They had been replaced by N64 games. You have to get the new thing, says the store guy. Otherwise, you can’t play. By the time I’ve saved/begged enough for an N64, it’s outdated, replaced by some stupid purple cube thing.

Even as a kid, I knew this was screwy. I liked the old thing. I wasn’t opposed to new stuff, but did new technology necessitate a complete phasing out of the preceding machinery?

Look: There used to be giant cell phones that were attached to the dashboard. People were stoked, said you had to have it.

Then there were pagers, then sliding phones, then flip phones, and now this. It calls people, and gives you something to do on the bus, other than looking at the world around you. If that’s worth paying almost a thousand dollars, then I wholeheartedly recommend the iPhone 7. It will probably do all of those things. Go stand in line, right now.

Leave a Comment

Comments are closed.

Navigate Left
  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Badminton

    Skyline succumbs to Fresno, two Trojans still shine

  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Focal Point

    The Beat: Tasty Licks in Double Necks

  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Columns

    Loose Change with Mark David Magat: My Parting Glass

  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Showcase

    All Things Must Come to an End: The Oracle Story

  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Baseball

    Masetti’s heroics give Skyline 3-2 win, series sweep of Gavilan

  • Campus News

    Drawing a Line: Students Create Boundaries

  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Campus News

    Zero Textbook Classes Open Educational Doors

  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Columns

    The Beat with Kylea Pearson: From Crowns to Spiders for Billie Eilish

  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Features

    New Journey, New Life: International student, Kimheng Peng, shares his story

  • Apple releases new (die)Phone 7

    Baseball

    Putting the Bass in Baseball

Navigate Right

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






The student news site of Skyline College.
Apple releases new (die)Phone 7