Fact: No successful defense of one’s own character or point of view has ever begun with the phrase “Some of my best friends are (insert minority).” It goes without saying that once you have uttered these words, you’ve gone too far. Whatever you say next is most likely to be either wrong or indefensible. Your pitiful attempt to try and show that you are on good terms with the aforementioned minority will only serve to mire you deeper and deeper into a bigoted quagmire, with little hope of emerging unscathed.

With this in mind, I begin down my doomed path: I like old people. Old people contribute much to society. Some of my best friends are old people. But this doesn’t change the fact that old people are absolutely, utterly terrifying to be around when driving.

Perhaps a little context will help this, as the definition of “old” is not as concrete as people may take it to be, as some aged people are young at heart, and some young people are curmudgeonly and dead inside. Oldness in this instance will be defined as a combination of the two: an old person is someone around or over 65, who refuses to acknowledge that with their age has come a decrease in reaction time and vision. It’s OK to have these things happen, but it is far from OK to pretend that they don’t, then plunge into society like a portly lad off of a diving board.

Some old people drive too slowly, which isn’t much of a problem. Things become sticky in the details, however, when fine motor skills become involved. Restaurants that are not drive-thru are driven through. Parallel parking becomes an un-fun game of bumper cars. People standing on sidewalks, fancying themselves to be safe, get their feet run over by someone’s granny, wubbie, abulea, or whatever, who didn’t know where the street ends and the concrete begins.

On rare occasions, the elderly drive too fast, utilizing the oft overlooked art of offensive driving. I’ve actually had old people shake their fists at me while driving and using an oxygen tank, honking and swearing, doing about seventy in a thirty five zone. The only thing that can be done is to take it in strides.

There’s no real point to any of this, other than for me to let the elderly know that they scare me when they are behind the wheel. It’s not that I don’t respect nor value your place in society; it’s just that when I see you drive, it fills me with a great fear.