Some say everything they ever needed to know, they learned from kindergarten. Well, I say that my kindergarten teacher, as sweet as she was, was never as hot as Paris Hilton or as scandalous as Britney Spears. While celebrities like Miss Hilton turn to the “Simple Life” to learn some lessons from people, uh, like us, why not let us learn some things from them too?

So, I invite you to grab a copy of Us Weekly and for once get some advice from it that is not fashion-related (not that there is anything wrong with getting fashion tips). If you are having trouble, however, you can always read this weekly column.

Not that you wouldn’t have found it on your own, you clever thing you.

43-27=16. 60-35=25. No, this isn’t an attempt to force you to do math in the summer. It’s just an example of the thoughts running through people’s heads as they graze across supermarket checkout stands, calculating the ever-widening age gaps between celebrity couples.

The first is the difference between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, the second, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones (or is it Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas?). If there’s anything to be learned from celebrity dating, it’s that size might not matter, ala Tom Cruise and anyone, but age does. So, this week’s lesson: Who said age ain’t nothing but a number?

Age is not so much a quantity as it is an accessory–something to be worn and displayed. Some people lie about their age in an effort to defy it, and those who look like they are succeeding, broadcast their age proudly as a sign of their triumph.

In high school and college, one’s age is accompanied by another label: current academic standing. Whether you are a freshman or a sophomore affects your social standing, and if you are a senior, the world is your oyster. Similarly, people in college don’t ask “how old are you?” as often as they ask “what year are you in?” Being of the same academic age as someone gives you something in common, fodder for numerous conversations as you exchange thoughts on all the things only you third-years could possibly know about.

As in any caste represented throughout history, the problem isn’t in associations within one’s caste, it’s the ventures outside of them that bring on the not-so-subtle “tsk-tsking” of the masses. In your late teens or early twenties, a two-year gap is a safe bet, exotic even. A four-year gap, however, denotes that one member of the couple “couldn’t find anyone their own age to date.” The older you get, the more of an “allowance” you get for the age gap. So when is it too much?

Well, it depends. A girl dating a guy that is younger will always find that almost any difference seems to be too much. It’s no secret that equality is a goal rather than a reality, and this hypocrisy is further evidence. I know, because for a while, I was that girl.

Dating a guy that was two years my junior (well technically one, but again, it’s the grade level that matters ultimately) was a decision that made me uncomfortable; one that I often had to justify to friends and strangers alike. For awhile, it even seemed to be in vogue, I knew quite a few girls that were doing the same, but the discomfort never truly ceased.

An age difference that would’ve gone unnoticed if it were the guy that were older, became something that I needed to defend, as girls dating younger guys often rant about.

Reference the figures at the beginning of this article. The age difference between Mr. and Mrs. Douglas is almost ten more years than those between Demi and her beau, but it would be safe to say that the latter couple received much more media attention than the former. However, moving across school boundaries is something that even a guy might have trouble justifying. Imagine yourself in the position of the college athlete who has to admit to picking up his girlfriend later at her high school.

Aside from the legal implications of their relationships, the guy is going to have to answer to the social ones as well. How will she go bar-hopping with him and his buddies? Is he going to go to her prom? The jokes and questions are as abundant as celebrity feuds between buxom blonds.

One thing’s for sure, though: regardless of age or status, a high-profile couple will always draw their share of gossip. So if you hear whispering around you and your significant other, brush it off and think maybe you’re just so fabulous they can’t help but talk.