Scientists recently discovered that Donald Trump’s hair is a sentient lifeform, seeking nothing more than total world domination.
The discovery was the end result of weeks of alcohol fueled speculation, followed by an extensive period of Adderall fueled research, conducted by leading scientists at Chico State. This marks the first time Chico State scientists have succeeded in achieving anything other than giving themselves massive alcohol poisoning.
The true identity of the hair, which is alien in origin, was discovered when someone grabbed a chunk of it, and the hair explicitly said “Go away, I’m running for president.” Since its identification, Trump’s Hair has now decided to run separately from its host, although it still maintains a physical connection.
Chico State scientists still have many unanswered questions regarding the hair, including wanting to know where it came from.
“Where’s it from? It’s probably from Uranus, brah,” said Chico State scientist Lance “Beandip” MacGruder. MacGruder retorted with his own question, asking if I, the reporter, would rather “Do a hella gross fat chick with a hot face or a witch-faced chick with a hot bod.” He then raised the stakes by insisting that everyone everywhere would know after I did it, and to not answer this question would be unconstitutional. I selected the “fat chick”, which prompted a series of mooing noises from MacGruder and his esteemed colleges. They closed by saying that I could never party with them ever.
Trump’s Hair appears to gain control by puncturing the skull with its tendrils, and directly integrating with the brain. The hair then uses the victim as a means of transportation and communication, while affecting a significant change in personality. Donald Trump, when hairless, is a very kind, soft spoken individual with a crippling fear of ducks and a fondness for potpourris. Conversely, his hair is a megalomaniacal power fiend, who seeks the eradication of all warm-blooded life on Earth.
“DEATH TO ALL!” said Trump’s Hair, via Trump. “IF ELECTED, I PROMISE TO SHEAR AND SLAUGHTER ALL EARTH MAMMALS!”
Trump’s Hair’s ultimate goal for Earth will be to turn it into a luxury hotel planet. Much of the surface will be covered in fake gold and leopard print upholstery.
“IT WILL BE HUGE!” declared the tyrannical toupee. “IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST, MOST LAVISH HOTEL IN THE GALAXY! THERE WILL BE AN ENDLESS SHRIMP BUFFET! RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH BLOOD!”
Trump’s Hair’s other plans include the slow, painful extermination of all SuperCuts employees by means of nerve removal, and the placement of a gigantic toupee on the moon.
Voters said that while they didn’t necessarily agree with Trump’s Hair’s stance on mammalian eradication, its straight talk was a refreshing change from the usual political jargon.
“This is the first time I really trust a candidate,” said homely housewife Mary Nesbit.“I feel like this evil toupee will deliver on its promises. It has my vote.”
Republican support for Trump’s Hair is mixed; many question whether or not the alien entity qualifies as an illegal alien, a crucial tripping point which could jeopardize one of the toupee’s most critical campaign platforms. Still, its fervent anti-human stance has gained tangential approval, as it includes Latinos by default. If it wins the nomination, Trump’s Hair could have a number of running mates. Al Sharpton’s Hair, which is most likely also an unnatural alien entity, would make an obvious choice.
“Sometimes you got to chop a few trees to make a pie,” said brisket eating champion and triple bypass survivor David Hillman. “This here hair’s rearin’ to shake things up. I feel like it really speaks to me.”
This article is not real and was written for the TSV online Halloween special for Fall, 2015.