There’s been this conspiracy going through the American psyche over the past few decades. Sex, an act performed for millions of years, is being dulled down with rubber. Everyone, from parents to teachers to doctors, just can’t stop spouting this stuff. Wear a condom, they say. Little do people know, there are benefits to not baggin’ the one-eyed snake.

No man looks attractive with a neon bright boner. Unless you’re raving out at EDC, a place where the proliferation of psychoactive drugs destroys your sense of sexual integrity anyway, a covered penis is hidden away as quickly as possible. There’s a reason that wearing a condom has been such a deal-breaker in the porn industry. Nobody wants to see that.

It’s hard enough that everybody seems to want you to wear a condom, but all of these options are just ridiculous. Condom companies are going as far away from a natural penis as they can. Is a normal human penis not good enough for people anymore? Some of these things decorate your member like you’re the creature from the black lagoon. Dimples? Feelers? Who has a flavored penis? All in all, these condoms just try as hard as they can to barely be there. But they fail. Screw the rubber middleman and unleash the beast.

When people talk about chlamydia or herpes or gonorrhea, they only talk about the downsides. Yeah, okay, it might burn when you urinate, and a lack of control over your bowels seems pretty bad, but what about the doctor’s visit? You get the best excuse to seek out those financially stable, potentially attractive doctors and nurses. As a bonus, they get a front row seat to your junk. You’ll never have a date go that well again. And how ’bout that medication? All those pills you get to take will make you feel like a drug lord. Everyone’s had that fantasy of being that suave, multimillionaire, pill-popping kingpin. Thanks to your new found itch, for a few minutes each morning you can emulate those dreams.

You know what really gets someone in the mood? Babies. The shrill shriek of a newborn is enough to drive any girl wild, according to science. It’s like some kind of parental instinct thing. And how are you supposed to get these blessed bringers of sexual tension when you have an almost impenetrable net catching all your swimmers? Ya can’t, that’s how. Think about this: If you wear a condom, the memory of a sexual encounter only lasts the one night. If you make some babies, you have an 18-year reminder of your beautiful night together. Who wouldn’t want to reminisce on those glorious 30 seconds of unimpeded coital bliss?

(If it wasn’t clear, there’s no good reason not to wear a condom. Save yourself a trip to the doctor and a surprise child. Be smart. Wear condoms.)